WHAT IS IT WITH MEN??

WHAT IS IT WITH MEN WHO ARE
HUSBANDS??

WHAT IS IT WITH HUSBANDS WHO ARE DADS???

THEY SUCK IN EACH AND EVERY CATEGORY ALL THE TIME

THE ONLY THING MY HUSBAND WANTS TO DO IS SIT IN FRONT OF THE
TELEVISION MUNCHING NUTS.DOESN'T LIFT HIS FINGER OR HIS BUM..GOD KNOWS HE NEEDS
TO DO MUCH MUCH MORE IF HE WANTS TO GET
RID OF HIS POOCHY PAUNCH N HIS PERPETUAL STATE OF EXHAUSTION!!

NO WALKS,NO WEIGHTS, NOT EVEN THE STAIRS..NO SIR, NOT FOR
HIM!

AM I TOO MUCH OF A CONTROL FREAK?

TOO MUCH OF A DISCIPLINARIAN??

TOO MUCH OF A NAG???

Let's
face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea
pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And
why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't
the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two
meese? One index, two indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get
rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If
teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a
recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell?

How
can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by
going on.

English
was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity
of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why,
when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.

P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this.

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's
easy to understand UP , meaning toward the sky or at the top of the
list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a
meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP
a report?

We
call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver; warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word
has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets,
work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing
but to be dressed UP is special.

And
this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP . We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the
proper uses of UP ; look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to
about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building
UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your
time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP . When the sun
comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.
When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP .

We could go on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so... Time to shut UP!

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• We can cry and get off speeding fines.
• We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• Free drinks, free dinners, free movies (you get the point).
• New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
• If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
• There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We'll never discover we've been duped by a Wonder bra.